Theproblemwithmoney's Blog

Sunday, after saying goodbye to our granddaughter following her Boston weekend with us, the wait person remarked, “Grandchildren love being with us because we always buy them anything they want”.  And, I fell into the trap of accepting one of society’s programmed beliefs about grandparents and grandchildren.  I laughed and said, “you’re right.” 

And ever since, that response has been bothering me.  Because when I stop to think for myself, my response is loud and clear, “No, you’re wrong!”  We give kids no credit for expecting more from us and life.  We fall into society’s thinking that all we need and all they want is what money can buy.  But, that is far from the truth and we do injustice to all of us when we fall unconsciously into this pattern of thinking.

The truth of the matter is, the good time was being with her from Friday night through Sunday morning with no distractions.  We were all hers—not monetarily—but mentally and emotionally.  The best times were conversations in the sauna, discovery moments at the Museum and just plain hanging out in the hotel room.  And none of these involved money.

Unfortunately, because of this programmed thinking, sometimes we use money to calm feelings of guilt when we can’t be there.  Instead of finding a few minutes of real connection, we do something with money.  But it’s not the same—and we must remember that.  It doesn’t take money to really connect with each other.  All it takes is us—all of us (without our pocketbook)—even if it’s only 5 minutes.

Thanks for the memories……..

According to a psychological study, the third Monday in January is Blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year.  I guess we’re blue because it’s after the holidays, days are still dark and dreary and it will be months before there is another holiday.  And, along with that sadness, we are overwhelmed with new year’s resolutions being abandoned and holiday bills coming in. 

Although we wish we had the power to make the days longer and sun brighter, we don’t have a lot to say with most of those things.  And, hopefully, we all have New Year’s Solutions this year instead of abandoned resolutions (see December 30th blog).  But still, most of us have holiday bills and we’re wondering how to pay them.  Somehow the joy of giving fades when financial reality hits us in January.  It seemed like such a good idea at the time! 

Remember the old Christmas Clubs?  You would give the bank $20 each week and in early November they would give you a check for $1,050 +/- to use for your Holiday spending.  I remember feeling rich when I was presented with that check.  It didn’t even feel like my own money; it felt like a gift from the bank.  Not only did it give me cash to work with, it also gave me a budget for the holidays.  It kept me from making too many of those impulse purchases.

We need this tool even more in this credit card world we live in.  What if we paid for things in advance?  Why not take our 2010 Holiday budget, divide by 40 (number of weeks until November 1) and put it weekly into a savings account?  What a nice gift to yourself for your holiday shopping next year.  Just might do the trick to change Blue Monday into a nice, calm baby blue!

A foot and a half of snow and no sun….  Boy, do I wish I had that power!

Last week I was a guest on Marcelle Pick’s Core Balance for Women’s Health show at Hay House Radio. It was exciting to have a venue to speak passionately about how beliefs drive the bus of our financial lives. I know that without being conscious of our money beliefs we can’t make real, lasting change in our finances and now I was given a chance to tell the world!

I’ve gotten great feedback on the show from around the country (and Canada). One of the things that amazed listeners was that two of the people calling in for help were financial people themselves – a CPA and an investment person. It didn’t surprise me, though.

It just proved my point that all the knowledge and mechanical advice in the world won’t solve our problems if we don’t examine our underlying beliefs around money. Without that piece of the puzzle, we’re doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

And, what’s worse, when we focus on only the mechanics of money, we end up thinking we are just unmotivated, irresponsible, extravagant or stupid! We quickly heap tons of shame and blame on ourselves for not doing what we know we should. And then we push ourselves into dark corners of despair or try to run from our problems. But, as they say – you can run, but you can’t hide!

I want to thank those financial professionals for calling in. Your courage gave real faces to the problem with money. It was loud and clear to everyone listening that the problem with money is not about the money – that mechanical knowledge wasn’t helping you solve your money problems. But, now armed with the new knowledge about money beliefs, you can begin to make real change with your heads held high.

Sorry – too late to listen – my fault – didn’t know the show went into oblivion…..  (Or, at least I can’t find it!).  I’ll be on again in May – this time I’ll let you know.

At the beginning of a new year (and a new decade) I’m ready to plunge right in and make waves.  Presented with the clean slate of a new year, I’m ready to march forward with plans to do things differently.  I want to make changes with my money, my food, my family, my home, my work – you name it - it’s doomed for an extreme makeover!

But then I found this old birthday card while cleaning out a drawer and it got me thinking about making waves.  My waves are usually of the tsunami variety and can overwhelm me and everyone in its path.  But does change in life have to happen like this?  What if, instead of making waves, we dropped a pebble?

Think of the ripples radiating from the single drop of that pebble.  Unlike a wave, there is nothing destructive or invasive about them.  Yet, change does happen – it just happens in small, gentle, balanced ways.

If we applied this technique to our money problems, we would make one small gesture instead of vowing to change everything, everywhere.  We would drink home coffee instead of Starbuck’s, buy store brand instead of name brand, make lunch one day a week or eat out one less time this week/month.

Each, just a drop in the bucket of our spending habits but each starting a ripple that will make a difference.  A small difference to be sure.  But if we put aside that differen¢e and don’t lose the savings elsewhere, we’ll be amazed to see how it adds up.  And, we’ll be amazed how change can happen effortlessly.  How about giving it a try?

I’m tossing the pebble.  One small step for me….   

I think this year I’ll commit to a New Year’s Solution instead of a New Year’s Resolution.  Resolutions don’t seem to work for me.  Somehow resolving to make a change isn’t enough.  But, acting like I already have the answer feels like a better chance for success.

One of the basic elements of Empowerment methodology is the shift from Pathology to Vision—from focusing on what doesn’t work in our life to what we really want.  I think that’s the difference between a resolution and solution.

With a resolution we decide to change a problem:  I’ll lose weight or spend less.  With a solution, we can focus on a new vision because the problem has already been solved.  It’s a subtle shift in perception but it feels totally different and it is so important to the outcome.

Just thinking back on the financial problems of 2009, we can get lost in the gloom and doom of the year.  We don’t even want to think back to the mess.  And, resolving to clean it up, isn’t going to help.  But, if we can affirm that we already have the solution and move toward a vision of financial stability, the shadow lifts and we can get a clear picture of where we’re heading.

So my New Year’s Solution is I have a financially balanced life that reflects my own conscious money beliefs and values.  And, while I’m at it, I eat food that supports a healthy lifestyle!  What’s your New Year’s Solution?

There, that feels much better!

Lately I’ve been talking to my clients about how to consciously spend by putting a gap ino our process.  A gap between the thought and act gives us time to make a conscious choice rather than one based on unconscious money beliefs.

The size gap doesn’t really matter; we just need a little break to ask ourselves, “Why am I doing this?”   When we do, we sometimes discover we are spending for all the wrong reasons – or at least not for the reasons we thought.  The gap gives us an opportunity to change our minds.

Unfortunately, in spite of all my talking, I forgot to use that gap on Monday.  Late afternoon, I went to the stores in Freeport to pick up a few things.  I ran into a friend (while getting lost coming out of the new parking garage) and joked, “I’m not sure what I’m looking for, but I’ll know it when I see it.”  (Boy, did I miss that clue!)

$300 dollars later, I arrived home with odds and ends for my family, and, three new sweaters for myself—bargains I just couldn’t refuse.  The Holiday Spirit had me so enthralled that it took me until tonight to realize it wasn’t the Holiday Spirit but rather the Holidaze of “one more gift” combined with beckoning signs of “60% off the already reduced 50% price!”

Old beliefs of the perfect Holiday had combined with bargain beliefs to bury the thought of that gap so deep that it didn’t surface for 36 hours—and not until I woke up in the middle of the night!  But, all is not lost; in the words of Scarlett O’Hara, “…tomorrow’s another day!”  All I can do is try again.  This financially conscious life is not easy!

Fiddle-dee-dee!  Still not perfect…

Keep watching, when you least expect it, Santa will appear!  Back on October 20, I expressed my frustration with Chase Credit for using a bogus excuse for upping my interest rate.  I wrote a letter in protest hoping to find some reason somewhere and that my rose-colored glasses weren’t beginning to blind me. 

Chase Frustration hit a nerve because you replied with the longest and the most comments ever.  You had a lot to say using words like “very sleazy, injustice, mistreatment, powerless and not…hopeful”.  All our frustrations with the current challenging financial times erupted loud and clear.

But – I’m here to report, there is a Santa.  Like Santa creeping in with gifts under the tree, that 3.99% interest rate reappeared on my account.  No fanfare, no advance letter – just there waiting to be found on my monthly statement.  Like each Christmas Eve, this small gift once again ignited my childlike hope for this world. 

As in the original 1897 editorial to Virginia, we …”have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age.”  Some skepticism is healthy, but times like this can lead us to loss of hope and faith in our fellow man.  But remember, behind that big corporate mask are people just like us.  And just like us, they can and will “Be the change you wish to see in the world” (Mahatma Ghandi).  Remembering that, we will see this through to better times. 

Hope still springs eternal…

Having flown home a day early to escape a Wisconsin blizzard, I faced a Maine snowstorm instead.  It got me thinking about snow days.  Remember when we were children and we prayed for snow days so we could stay home and do nothing?  All we had to do was play.  Nothing was planned for and nothing was expected of us. 

These days, if the storm is particularly bad and we lose power for awhile, we’re afforded that same opportunity.  Without electricity, there’s nothing to do—no work, no computers, no telephone (we need to conserve those batteries).  All we can do is relax and do nothing.

But, that’s not always easy to do.  Our Puritan ethic has us so programmed that if we’re not doing something or accomplishing something, our personal value is in question.  And, unfortunately, that personal value has become tied to money, so we must also be earning something.  Sitting and doing nothing, just being, has become an art form—it’s just not natural anymore.

With the Holidays fast approaching it’s even harder.  So last night, home from work early to avoid the mess, did I relax and do nothing?  Did I just enjoy the company of my husband?  Oh no, I wrapped gifts for shipping, wrote Christmas cards and filled the time with doing.  God forbid, I should just relax and enjoy the extra time.  The Holidays easily push us into accomplishing something to earn our personal value—and there’s just so little time!

So this morning, I regret not taking advantage of some free time to do nothing.  Nothing—like enjoying time for me, for family, for saying no to earning for a while.  So, my early New Year’s resolution is to remember there’s more to life—much more—and to pray for more snow days!

To be or not to be—that is the question…

It just struck me as I prepare to fly to visit my mother in Wisconsin, that six months ago I posted my first blog from her home while I was spending six days caring for her.  Six months sure goes fast.  So now I’m on my way again having decided in early November that it was time for another visit.  At 91 I never know when it’s the last visit or the last time she’ll recognize me.

But now that it’s time to go (and she’s doing great), I’m feeling overwhelmed with life.  I’m just recovering from the Thanksgiving break—too much work at the office, neglect at home and then Holiday angst on top of everything.  And, really should I be spending the money at this time of year?  Why did I decide to do this now?  What was I thinking?

Then I remember this Mary Engelbreit refrigerator magnet with its quirky message.  Twenty-two years ago I had these same feelings when I couldn’t decide if I should fly to Wisconsin to see Dad after he had a  minor heart attack.  My good friend Gail advised me, “Do whatever will feel good five years from now.”  I went for that visit and a week later he died.

This magnet I bought so many years ago reminds me of Gail’s advice and what is truly important in my life.  There’s always more time for work, chores and things to do—but time with each other is not endless.  It’s an important message to remember—especially this time of year.

22 days ‘til Christmas—you better not pout!

It’s 5:35 on Tuesday evening and I’m trying to clear up my desk to leave for my Downeast Thanksgiving Holiday.  One of my last tasks is to talk with the IRS.  Fortunately, I have time to write this blog because after 49 minutes I’m still waiting to connect with them!

I’m still on the phone holding because after the first thirty minutes a real person answered, rattled off her name and ID number and regretfully informed me that her computer was down and she could not access any taxpayer information.  Luckily, I’m in a thankful kind of mood and what flashed through my mind was, “Boy, am I glad I’m not her!”  

Not only can she not do her job, she still has to answer the phone to tell people she can’t help and would they mind calling again because not everyone has computer problems.  “In other words,” I said, “call back and hope I don’t get you?”  She laughed and said “I guess you’re right!”

So this Thanksgiving season, I’m thankful for the small pleasure of working on the other side of the IRS!  What small pleasure are you thankful for?

Family, turkey and pie – doesn’t get much better…